Today I almost saw my weight.
After 4 years of not weighing myself and being SOOO careful not to see it, I almost did on a discharge sheet from my visit to an urgent care last week.
I bet some of you are like what…why is that a problem? But it’s actually horrible. It’s terrifying and mind-controlling, and preoccupying, and just miserable.
Because numbers still have power.
I bet you are also wondering how I almost saw my weight. You know how you can do the thing where you blur your eyes a bit? I did that. And then my brain started to wonder what I saw. It started to try to compare numbers in their most basic of shapes. Like when you look at something from far away and it is blurry and a 3 could be a 5 and the 1 could be a 7. That’s what my brain did.
Because ONE of those digit options was okay. The other one DEFINITELY wasn’t.
Why was the other one so taboo? Why did x number of pounds in the up direction make a difference? Here’s what my ED brain thinks:
- having that x amount of pounds makes me heavier than other people in my friend group and I already don’t fit in because I can’t run and they can and I can’t just enjoy food whenever and they can
- if I am x then I definitely look the f-word (fat)
- if it really is x does that mean I am now unhealthy in the opposite direction???
- that’s too high. period.
- obvi you are out of control. Don’t follow that meal plan.
- yup, you’re the f-word
Why do numbers have that amount of power? Enough power that I actually question my BODY DYSMORPHIA and wonder if it is telling me I am thinner than I actually am…. wow, what a turn to the opposite.
Why does a number have enough power to make me think I will automatically not fit in with my friends? How could it do that?
Why does a number make me think that all these professionals have it out for me and don’t care if I get the f-word?
It shouldn’t. But it does.
I partly blame society for putting so much emphasis on weight and numbers in general. But I also know that I can eventually be strong enough not to care… I am just not quite there yet.
So why do numbers NOT matter….. let’s see:
- Numbers (your weight) cannot tell you who you are on the inside
- Numbers do not show your personality and your love for life
- Numbers do not define your self-worth or your worthiness.
- Numbers cannot make or break a friendship or relationship.
- Numbers cannot show love and comfort you.
- Numbers are simply a mental construct that we made in order to explain natural phenomena and life.
- I am not a number.
- You cannot know what my weight is by looking at me.
- Weight does not determine my worth.
- I will never be happy with the number I see, and I don’t need to know it because it is just a fact, and not one that will help me.
- Numbers are simply digits on a page. I am a soul.
I might have almost seen my weight…. but there is so much more to life than whatever number was on that page. And it’s going to take a bit to stop worrying about it, but I will give myself the grace and time I need to process and become stronger from my almost viewing of an unhelpful, meaningless number.