I opened this page three days ago… looked at it… closed it… opened a new page… looked at it… shook my head… closed it again…. opened it… sighed… switched to Facebook… and then closed my computer all together.
And that’s how a tab on my browser just sat there… “New Post.” Three days later… I saw it again.
So, I clicked.
To be very honest, I’ve been at a huge loss of what to write lately. I feel compelled to write something recovery related and insightful and on topic… but I just can’t think of anything relevant. Perhaps it is because I am at a place now where recovery is not the only thing in my life. In fact, most of my days are spent in a recovery mindset, but not actively thinking about recovery, therapy, eating, eating disorders, etc.
And that is a good thing.
There, of course, are some things that are still a struggle. And there are some struggles in the “real world” that I didn’t come across in treatment.
How do you navigate a job where a co-worker seems to straight up hate you?
How do you deal when body image plummets because of a freaking terrible sunburn??
How do you learn to be okay with being alone some days when before you were surrounded by treatment friends for at least a few hours a day?
How do you deal with the backhanded compliments people sometimes give?
How do you learn to accept that passive aggressive happens?
I don’t have all these answers. I’m not sure anyone really does. To be honest, I think that they differ from person to person.
The hard part is acknowledging that there is NO knowing immediately. There is no way to make someone like you. (Trust me, I still try.) You can’t control the rate you heal from a burn. It all takes time (not just the burn… all of it).
I wish I could say I know my own answers. But I don’t. I’m learning along the way and I’m messing up and feeling sad and worthless sometimes. But these are not facts. I’m not worthless. I’m learning.
And I’m growing as I go.