This week, in therapy, I talked a lot about being tired.
Not sleepy, didn’t-go-to-bed-early-enough tired.
Tired of the energy it takes to do recovery. Tired of the time I have to spend thinking about what I ought to do to fight the eating disorder, what I need to do to keep myself fueled…
…when what I want to do is hit the “fuck it” button and just stop.
There is a dichotomy between chronic and chosen. With chosen–like a goal or a desire–you can stop if you opt to. You can, for example, decide you want non-decaf coffee today even if your goal was to limit caffeine.
But with chronic, you cannot decide. Your choice is void because it was never your decision to begin with.
When you decide to recover, you waive any possible “fuck it” option. You contend with the idea of never-ending mental energy.
Most of the time, the benefits of recovery vastly supersede the annoyance of your waiver.
But occasionally, the Mephistophelian truth of your decision comes out: you don’t have a choice.
I sound negative. I recognize this. But I also acknowledge that recovery is not universally positive.
A multitude of recovery, the little undiscussed bits and pieces, can fluctuate between the poles of experience: positive, negative, neutral.
Just like the comprehensive trajectory of recovery, the energy consumption annoyance goes up and down. Remember: “recovery isn’t linear.” Turns out, the stamina it takes to consistently pick recovery isn’t linear, either.
However, there is a silver lining (er, gold lacquer… just a little kintsukuroi reference there 😉 ).
In my experience, opting for the endurance it takes to be in recovery is much more preferable to the pertinacity it takes to be symptomatic in an eating disorder. Eating disorders are WORK, mental energy wise. You think about calories and food and exercise and guilt and your body and etc. and etc.
If you are already putting in the energy, why not have it be directed in the direction of the path giving you back vitality… towards recovery.