Mephistophelian weariness of chronic

This week, in therapy, I talked a lot about being tired.

Not sleepy, didn’t-go-to-bed-early-enough tired.

me thinking about that recovery life

Tired of the energy it takes to do recovery. Tired of the time I have to spend thinking about what I ought to do to fight the eating disorder, what I need to do to keep myself fueled…

…when what I want to do is hit the “fuck it” button and just stop.

There is a dichotomy between chronic and chosen. With chosen–like a goal or a desire–you can stop if you opt to. You can, for example, decide you want non-decaf coffee today even if your goal was to limit caffeine.

But with chronic, you cannot decide. Your choice is void because it was never your decision to begin with. 

When you decide to recover, you waive any possible “fuck it” option. You contend with the idea of never-ending mental energy.

Most of the time, the benefits of recovery vastly supersede the annoyance of your waiver.

But occasionally, the Mephistophelian truth of your decision comes out: you don’t have a choice. 

I sound negative. I recognize this. But I also acknowledge that recovery is not universally positive.

A multitude of recovery, the little undiscussed bits and pieces, can fluctuate between the poles of experience: positive, negative, neutral.

Just like the comprehensive trajectory of recovery, the energy consumption annoyance goes up and down. Remember: “recovery isn’t linear.” Turns out, the stamina it takes to consistently pick recovery isn’t linear, either.

However, there is a silver lining (er, gold lacquer… just a little kintsukuroi reference there 😉 ).

In my experience, opting for the endurance it takes to be in recovery is much more preferable to the pertinacity  it takes to be symptomatic in an eating disorder. Eating disorders are WORK, mental energy wise. You think about calories and food and exercise and guilt and your body and etc. and etc.

If you are already putting in the energy, why not have it be directed in the direction of the path giving you back vitality… towards recovery.





29 thoughts on “Mephistophelian weariness of chronic

  1. Recently I met a dear friend of mine.. I was shocked when I saw him. I mean, I saw him half a year ago, and he was really slim, but because he said he was going to run the marathon, I realised that maybe it’s ok.
    Now though, he was pure bones. When I asked him whether he is sick (I thought maybe he has some serious disease going on), he said that he was perfectly fine, and that he weighs the amount that a normal male should weigh. Later he added that he recently had his heart checked, and that the doctors said that it beats a lot less than it should.
    It’s clear that he doesn’t see the problem with his weight..
    Just got me thinking.. oh well. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment.

      A really hard thing about eating disorders, as it sounds like your friend may struggle from disordered eating of some sort (though, obviously, I am not a professional and therefore not able to make that diagnosis), is they are often ripe with denial.

      It can be really challenging to approach someone if you are worried simply because the individual will often get defensive and say nothing is wrong. Sometimes, this is the truth. Other times, it is a cover up or the person isn’t ready to admit that there MIGHT be something going on.


  2. Although I don’t fully understand how it feels to go through an eating disorder, I hope that you will continue to fight and overcome it. You are strong and you can do what’s best for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You don’t sound negative at all to me. You sound like a person that recognizes the challenges of life and are choosing to conquer them. I pray that you always find the energy from within to keep fighting. The fact that you are talking about this with such transparency shows your strength and courage.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A good friend of mine has chronic pain is the same age as me but also suffers from chronic pain. It’s hard to see her go through it as I can see on her face that it really wears her down. But she has a good support system in place and I hope that helps a little at least!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Everything takes work. Somethings are more exhausting then others. I like to think the harder I have to work for it the better the reward at the end. Good luck on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really relate to this so much today. I don’t suffer with an eating disorder but I have other issues and I’m sick of people telling me just to stop behaving a certain way or to choose a different route. It’s often not really a choice and those that don’t understand that just can’t ever really get it. I hope you feel easier about it all this coming week – got to just take it one day at a time x


    1. Thank you for your comment and your encouragement for this week! It can get really frustrating why people tell you to “snap out of it” or just do something else… I often try to take it with compassion because I know they do not understand fully. Sometimes, though, that is easier said than done.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Every journey to recovery is hard and it’s never straight. There are obstacles on the way, there are curves and there are crossroads. It’s important to don’t give up, even if you feel like you don’t have energy anymore, or that you’ve slipped on the wrong path.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I went through counseling some years ago. It was a lot of work. It wasn’t for an eating disorder. It was because I have a really screwy family. I was seriously traumatized as a child. I am so glad that I have worked through a lot of the issues. It is a two steps forward one step back. Don’t give it. It is better than living with the hell of an eating disorder. It will slowly get better over time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Accepting your body is honestly one of the hardest parts. Society is constantly bombarding you with ways you could be better or what you should look like, and it is hard to ignore it all. It helps me to remember that I am being fed these different insecurities and that it is not my fault, as a wise individual (Dana Suchow of DoTheHotpants) once said.


  9. I love the honesty here. Recovery is not easy and not always positive. I’m sure it takes so much energy to just fight the same battle that you feel like you cannot control.


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