Uncategorized

let’s talk about the “real world”

I opened this page three days ago… looked at it… closed it… opened a new page… looked at it… shook my head… closed it again…. opened it… sighed… switched to Facebook… and then closed my computer all together.

And that’s how a tab on my browser just sat there… “New Post.” Three days later… I saw it again.

So, I clicked.

To be very honest, I’ve been at a huge loss of what to write lately. I feel compelled to write something recovery related and insightful and on topic… but I just can’t think of anything relevant. Perhaps it is because I am at a place now where recovery is not the only thing in my life. In fact, most of my days are spent in a recovery mindset, but not actively thinking about recovery, therapy, eating, eating disorders, etc.

And that is a good thing.

There, of course, are some things that are still a struggle. And there are some struggles in the “real world” that I didn’t come across in treatment.

How do you navigate a job where a co-worker seems to straight up hate you?

How do you deal when body image plummets because of a freaking terrible sunburn??

How do you learn to be okay with being alone some days when before you were surrounded by treatment friends for at least a few hours a day? 

How do you deal with the backhanded compliments people sometimes give? 

How do you learn to accept that passive aggressive happens? 

I don’t have all these answers. I’m not sure anyone really does. To be honest, I think that they differ from person to person. 

The hard part is acknowledging that there is NO knowing immediately. There is no way to make someone like you. (Trust me, I still try.) You can’t control the rate you heal from a burn. It all takes time (not just the burn… all of it). 

I wish I could say I know my own answers. But I don’t. I’m learning along the way and I’m messing up and feeling sad and worthless sometimes. But these are not facts. I’m not worthless. I’m learning.

 And I’m growing as I go. 

Uncategorized

you curious?

ask questions gifLast night I decided that I needed a break from course work and my brain suddenly told me to… “make an ask.fm.” So, I did.

Totally open to any questions! But I will keep my values in mind and decide how to answer!

Super excited to interact with everyone more!

You can find it here: https://ask.fm/kintsukuroilife

 

Uncategorized, Writing

mind vs. ed

 

*Note: ED means eating disorder

Conflict:

 

Imagine what the world could be

if it was only you and me;

the chatter of many fading slowly to few,

Think of all the time, the things that we could do.

Imagine all the wreckage, all the dead, the diseased,

the souls of all others suddenly ceased.

Wouldn’t it be quiet, only whispers on the breeze.

the crashing of the waves, the surf on the seas.

Imagine all our chances, the beauty and the grace.

The sky the only boundary, with smile on our face.

Imagine the sky crashing down,

the city burning, ashes on the ground.

The cries of helpless, panic ,and fright

darkness overwhelms, an ending of their plight.

Imagine all the good, the love and light

as we build a city of glass, mirrors shining bright.

The sun glints and shimmers as we finish our design,

but the world is far from done, beauty waits in line.

Imagine all the horror as the earth splits in two.

Run you silly souls, have you seen what I can do.

I have only gotten started with the torture you will face.

Brightness versus darkness; light will lose the race.

Two together make the devil present in the brain

fighting, clawing, biting, but only one can be tame.

Which will rule the conscious, which will fall behind?

Which will be the champion, who will win the mind?  

Uncategorized, Writing

depression

a whisper weak yet growing near

creeps and seeps into your fears.

it koons to you of things undone,

of mistakes, ends, and lies unspun.

it reminds you of the truth of life,

the growling, sharpening teeth of might

which rip and tear you into bits,

and pull and mangle you to your wits.

a life of anger, fear and pain;

a life of torture, angst, and no gain.

a dream curled up into a ball

shivering shrinking, soon to fall

into the chasm which is life

a reality world sharp as a knife.

and with a sting the cut appears

and bloody words creep to your fears.

the whisper grows, its voice deep

into your words and images, it seeps.

the whisper calls up morbid scenes,

conjures specters, murders, crimes unseen.

in its control is the night

and so, again, you succumb to fright.

Uncategorized

time traveling along 

**EDIT: it is fixed 🙂

FYI…. important!

I can apparently time travel… cause it’s January 31, and kintsukuroi life blog thinks it’s the first of February.

I hope your minds are blown. Because mine is. I don’t understand….

basically, all I’m saying is my blog posts are one date behind than it’s showing until I can figure out what’s up! So no. I did not post this tomorrow. I posted it today, January 31.