unrevised

when you look at me, what do you see?

a broken soul slowly piecing itself together

a puzzle missing a piece

a person who was, but no longer is?

when you look at the stars

do you realize they died years ago

light the lingering piece of existence

that too becoming dim?

when you look at me, do you see me?

do you see me fading?

do you see me joining the stars?

 

(is this life) 

 

 

 

 

 

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why i hesitate to call this solely a “recovery blog”

Let’s get something straight: I am in recovery.

Let’s clarify something: this is not ONLY a recovery blog.

Why? Because, over the past few months, I have come to realize that my life is no longer centered around the “eating disorder” past and the recovery present. It is there, do not get me wrong, but it is not what I am thinking about nor what I WANT to be thinking about constantly.

It is also not what I would like others to be thinking about when they consider me.

Something you begin to discover in a recovery journey is who you really are. And, mind you, I say BEGIN. Because it is not something I believe you ever truly finish–learning who you are.

Although I am still going to be writing from a recovery view-point, since that lens is my life, my topics are not going to be only about recovery or recovery in the real world. Because those are going to get old really quickly.

I want to talk about life changes. Other life lessons I may learn–apart from recovery. Strange, cool, etc experiences.

I want to write. I don’t want to be limited in my capacity to fit to a certain type of post.

 

let’s talk about the green

*trigger warning: facts about the meat industry are included. No pictures or calorie numbers are present. Please assess whether this will be okay for you.*

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There have been a few changes to my life lately.

First, under the supervision of my nutritionist, I have made the switch to a vegetarian lifestyle. I am so thankful for my recovery and the ability I now have to make choices like this.

Why vegetarian? I’ve thought a lot about it. I’ve mulled it over for years and years and then put it aside when I went into treatment. However, I am now in a place where I can responsibly choose a vegetarian lifestyle and remain grounded in my recovery.

Vegetarianism, for me, is a moral and ethical decision. I do not support the meat industry and the factory farming of animals. I do not support animal cruelty and the immense amount of waste that is brought on by the meat industry.

Here are some crazy facts (and by that I mean really striking) about it:

  • In one month of vegetarianism, you can save 8+ animals.
    • In one year, 100+ animals.
  • 80% of the antibiotics sold are used on livestock
  • 6 million animals are killed PER HOUR for food
  • 50% of our grain production goes to feeding animals…
    • Think about how many we could feed with this grain? It would greatly help with world hunger.
  • 91% of Amazon Rainforest destruction is done for animal agriculture
  • US livestock produces 116,000 pounds of waste PER SECOND
  • Feed stock grown for animals is responsible for 56% of all of the US water consumption
  • It takes 2,500 gallons of water to produce 1 pound of beef
  • Livestock (and their bi-products) produce 32 billion tons of CO2 per year

But most of all, I just can’t get myself to support an industry that generally mistreats, abuses, and crams animals into small spaces. Nor can I even fathom the idea of de-beaking chickens. It just isn’t right.

Therefore, I am eating vegetarian and supporting what I believe as an animal lover.

This includes buying only from companies that do not test on animals and are free of animal cruelty.

veg

Second, I’m going green. I mean MUCH more green than before. I used to recycle and occasionally bring my own reusable bags to the store, but I want to do way more than that. I’ve done a lot of soul searching around what I believe and one of those is that the environment needs to be protected in anyway possible. This means more than just reduce, reuse, recycle. It means doing everything possible to eliminate some of that contribution in the first place.

So what have I done so far:

  • My kitchen is going paperless. I have replaced paper towels with different towels for hands and spills. There is a laundry bin specifically for them in my cleaning closet.
  • I started a little compost container. It’s just an air-tight jar, but it’s something and the best I can do with an apartment.
    • I am… however… looking into worm composting.
  • I am growing my own herbs and have many other plants on my window sills. I am looking to increase these.
  • I am buying secondhand whenever possible and trying to donate everything I don’t really need. Because I have way to much “stuff.”
  • RECYCLING.
  • I am going to start making some of my own cleaning products. This can include laundry detergent, and other household cleaners. If I don’t make it, it is going to be bought from an environmentally responsible company.
  • I will be biking and walking when I can and driving only when needed. (It’s a college campus, I don’t NEED to drive unless it is to the grocery store.)
  • No straws, sytrofoam, wasteful use of plastic, plastic utensils that I cannot wash and reuse.
  • Tupperware and reusable bottles. Everything possible reusable.

I’m pretty happy with it! I am cooking so much more and I just feel better in my life when I know I am doing my best to be sustainable and help animals.

learning from Charlie

“Be like Charlie.”

“I literally just told myself to be like a bunny…”

“But, it’s accurate. He has a lot to teach me.”

“Yeah, be like Charlie.”

This is the conversation I had with myself the other day when I was feeling the feels of laziness and criticizing my body.

Charlie helps me lay on the floor and just be.

We can all learn from Charlie in a world that tells us we always need to “do.”

I want to just be.

let’s talk about the “real world”

I opened this page three days ago… looked at it… closed it… opened a new page… looked at it… shook my head… closed it again…. opened it… sighed… switched to Facebook… and then closed my computer all together.

And that’s how a tab on my browser just sat there… “New Post.” Three days later… I saw it again.

So, I clicked.

To be very honest, I’ve been at a huge loss of what to write lately. I feel compelled to write something recovery related and insightful and on topic… but I just can’t think of anything relevant. Perhaps it is because I am at a place now where recovery is not the only thing in my life. In fact, most of my days are spent in a recovery mindset, but not actively thinking about recovery, therapy, eating, eating disorders, etc.

And that is a good thing.

There, of course, are some things that are still a struggle. And there are some struggles in the “real world” that I didn’t come across in treatment.

How do you navigate a job where a co-worker seems to straight up hate you?

How do you deal when body image plummets because of a freaking terrible sunburn??

How do you learn to be okay with being alone some days when before you were surrounded by treatment friends for at least a few hours a day? 

How do you deal with the backhanded compliments people sometimes give? 

How do you learn to accept that passive aggressive happens? 

I don’t have all these answers. I’m not sure anyone really does. To be honest, I think that they differ from person to person. 

The hard part is acknowledging that there is NO knowing immediately. There is no way to make someone like you. (Trust me, I still try.) You can’t control the rate you heal from a burn. It all takes time (not just the burn… all of it). 

I wish I could say I know my own answers. But I don’t. I’m learning along the way and I’m messing up and feeling sad and worthless sometimes. But these are not facts. I’m not worthless. I’m learning.

 And I’m growing as I go. 

mind vs. ed

 

*Note: ED means eating disorder

Conflict:

 

Imagine what the world could be

if it was only you and me;

the chatter of many fading slowly to few,

Think of all the time, the things that we could do.

Imagine all the wreckage, all the dead, the diseased,

the souls of all others suddenly ceased.

Wouldn’t it be quiet, only whispers on the breeze.

the crashing of the waves, the surf on the seas.

Imagine all our chances, the beauty and the grace.

The sky the only boundary, with smile on our face.

Imagine the sky crashing down,

the city burning, ashes on the ground.

The cries of helpless, panic ,and fright

darkness overwhelms, an ending of their plight.

Imagine all the good, the love and light

as we build a city of glass, mirrors shining bright.

The sun glints and shimmers as we finish our design,

but the world is far from done, beauty waits in line.

Imagine all the horror as the earth splits in two.

Run you silly souls, have you seen what I can do.

I have only gotten started with the torture you will face.

Brightness versus darkness; light will lose the race.

Two together make the devil present in the brain

fighting, clawing, biting, but only one can be tame.

Which will rule the conscious, which will fall behind?

Which will be the champion, who will win the mind?  

depression

a whisper weak yet growing near

creeps and seeps into your fears.

it koons to you of things undone,

of mistakes, ends, and lies unspun.

it reminds you of the truth of life,

the growling, sharpening teeth of might

which rip and tear you into bits,

and pull and mangle you to your wits.

a life of anger, fear and pain;

a life of torture, angst, and no gain.

a dream curled up into a ball

shivering shrinking, soon to fall

into the chasm which is life

a reality world sharp as a knife.

and with a sting the cut appears

and bloody words creep to your fears.

the whisper grows, its voice deep

into your words and images, it seeps.

the whisper calls up morbid scenes,

conjures specters, murders, crimes unseen.

in its control is the night

and so, again, you succumb to fright.