the solemn truth about heartbreak

CW: alcohol, disordered eating, language 

I didn’t believe anyone when they said heartbreak truly hurts–a physical ache you feel in your bones. But I do now. I believe every word of it. 

As I was sobbing in my friends car at 2:30am, she told me to write it all out. So, here I am, laying in the bed I haven’t bothered to put sheets on because I haven’t had the emotional or physical energy to do laundry of any kind, in my room with clothes everywhere because I cannot get up the will to clean, writing about a brain that is so chaotic that it has exploded into my surroundings. Because what they don’t tell you about heartbreak is it is debilitating. 

When you feel utterly broken inside, how do you find the will to get out of bed, let alone put away clothes, or dishes, or match your fucking socks? How do you shower and dress and feed yourself? 

But most of all: how the actual fuck do you appear to be okay?

I repeat “it’s okay not to be okay” in my head, constantly. But it’s not working. It’s okay not to be okay doesn’t mean a damn thing when your world is crumbling around you. It doesn’t mean a damn thing as you start to inhale the dust from the rubble. It doesn’t mean a damn thing when you look around, coughing, and realize all you knew is no where to be found. 

They don’t teach you how to deal with heartbreak in treatment. They don’t teach you how to “be okay” after you break into so many pieces. Because in treatment, the enemy was visible–the eating disorder–but in this, it’s yourself. 

You don’t learn how much you will lose until you do. And you don’t realize how final and crushing it feels until it’s upon you. And you don’t feel all the regret and the despair and the massive desire to reverse it all until it’s too late. 

You don’t learn you will eat because you feel so emotional you cannot help it (even if you are in recovery from anorexia). You don’t learn you actually don’t give a fuck how much you eat because you just want some kind of comfort and if that pint of ice cream is going to give it to you, then you will eat that whole damn thing. You don’t learn that alcohol makes it all worse and you are bound to cry even more. You don’t learn that you will undoubtably look for comfort in all the wrong places–especially when you are intoxicated. 

No one tells you how much you will miss the warmth and comfort of another person with you at night. No one tells you that you will cry when you see anything that reminds you of the past. No one tells you that you will feel utterly empty inside. 

And absolutely no one talks about how you have to respect that perhaps you realized you want something different than the other person. That it was a mistake. That you cannot live with this pain. But that you have to anyway, because a relationship only works if both people agree. 

So you sob in a car, and you get social anxiety at parties, and you reach out to people you know will only hurt you more, and you crave a feeling of safety, or being wanted, when it feels like you will never be whole again. You make a fool of yourself and hate yourself and feel the last parts of your strength dip down to dangerously low levels. You don’t sleep or you sleep too much. You cannot concentrate and you stare at screens, pages, people… blankly. You constantly drift in and out of believing your heartbreak is real. 

And it all feels like your fault. 

why is it 

that when the story ends

we begin to feel all of it 

Rupi Kaur 
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exchange

if love were our currency,

no one would survive.

we build walls

til our hearts are

hard pressed to find.

and sit alone,

by the marshmallow fireside.

 

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vacancy

tell me,

what is it like to lose

the one person you care the most about,

the person who knows your soul,

the deepest, darkest corners of your being?

how do you go on living?

a vacancy sign switches on

in your heart

neon, florescent bulbs emitting a glow

lighting up a jagged scar

that wasn’t there before.

 

to live is to grow

but we grow together or apart.

cobwebbed spaces

wandering, stumbling and fumbling

over cobwebbed boxes

where forlorn letters

crumble at the touch.

once read,

discarded and trodden,

they lay, forgotten, across the expanse

of darkness.

an eerie space of limbo,

between the was and is and will be.

this is not a house.

this is not a home.

a stranger lives here.

someone caught between today

and tomorrow,

the night and the day.

ghosts reside here,

the howls on the wind

whistling through leafless trees.

you exist here.

an inescapable dimension of your mind.

and you know,

this is where you belong.

galaxies past

if you look into my eyes

and see nothing,

do not be alarmed.

the darkness is comfort.

black holes swallow stars,

galaxies that once existed.

do not be alarmed

for my soul has been missing

much … longer …

than it took you to notice.

 

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